I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
