Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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