You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
