I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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