i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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