I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize