I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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