This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
