What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
