have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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