you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
