I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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