So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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