On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
