got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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