Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
