Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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