Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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