I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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