if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
