bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
