I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
