ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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