So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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