Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize