Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
