There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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