Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
