just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
