Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
