i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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