We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
