Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
