he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
