i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Vodka?
Forever.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
