see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
