You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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