he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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