Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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