Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
