My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
