worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
organizing the empties. That sober.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
