I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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