We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
