marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
