I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
