Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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