How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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