i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
