I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
