I think i peed on brittanys purse
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
