get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
