my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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