There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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