3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
