I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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