also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
