I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
