The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
