I accidentally burped into my bong.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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