Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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