I just saw a hot homeless man
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
