life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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