dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
