Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
