So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
