I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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