remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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