his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
