I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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